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What it do what it do, it's your boy Andre Spruel and you're tapped into middle of the fence podcast.

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What does it actually mean to love someone when doing what feels right might also mean disappointing them, creating distance, or even letting them go? In this episode, I'm reflecting on some difficult decisions I've had to navigate recently across romantic relationships, family, and friendship, and how they've changed the way I think about love. Because maybe loving someone doesn't always mean holding on. Sometimes it means having the uncomfortable conversation, setting a boundary, choosing yourself, or accepting that you can't make someone else's decisions for them. So how do we know when to fight for a relationship and when it's time to let go? Let's get into it. What it do, what it do? It's your boy Andre Spruel, and you're tuning in to yet another episode of Middle of the Fence. So if you are, thank you so much for taking time out of your day. Whether you're listening, watching, or both, as I like to say, time is the most valuable thing on this earth because we could spend it but can't make it back. So as always, thank you for your time. And the topic that we will be uh discussing today can relate to anyone, literally anyone, regardless of what side of the fence you grew up on. So let's get right into it. When we talk about love, we usually talk about finding it, holding on to it, fighting for it, being loyal, making sacrifices, being there for the people we care about. But lately, I've been thinking about a much more uncomfortable side of love. What happens when loving someone requires you to make a decision that might hurt them? What happens when you genuinely care about someone, but you also recognize that something about the relationship needs to change? Maybe it's someone you're dating, maybe it's a family member, maybe it's your closest friend. Because sometimes the difficult decision isn't between loving someone and not loving them. Sometimes you love them either way. But the difficult decision is figuring out what that love requires from you. Does love mean staying? Does it mean sacrificing? Does it mean telling someone something they don't want to hear? Or can loving someone sometimes mean creating distance, setting a boundary, or even letting them go? I've had to think about these questions a lot recently. And I'm realizing I probably don't have as many answers as I thought I did. I won't get too much into details, but uh my dating life has been up and down uh most of my life to say the least, and it's been pretty interesting, I would say, from my perspective. But recently, uh, from the dating side of things, I experienced a connection where I finally saw the difference between what connection and compatibility truly means. And it's not like something really bad happened uh for things to end with said a situation, but it made me realize that one, there truly are good men and women out there, first and foremost. I just want to put that out there because of how the dating scene is these days. But more importantly, connection, and again, I'm no expert just off personal experience, but connecting with someone can reach a deep level where you truly make each other grow and get better and highlight things within one another that you need to work on in order to grow and evolve into the best version of yourself that you possibly can. So you can be aligned with your purpose and aligned with the partner that's meant to be in your life. And I truly believe that. And just say that it's a result of timing. And not gonna lie, it definitely sucked. It was uh something that uh I was experiencing emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. But sometimes the hardest form of love, or the truest form of love, I should say, is sometimes letting go. And whatever the future has in store, I don't know. I'm not God, I'm not a fortune teller. Uh, but another another thing that I want to mention is that even though connection and compatibility aren't necessarily the same thing from the emotion side of things, it's okay to acknowledge that, like, hey, there were some great emotions that came about from it, there were some not so great emotions that came about, but they all intertwined to create the experience for what it was. And nothing that I would do differently, but um, and I'm sure people can definitely relate to that. And there's actually psychology that might help explain why letting someone go can feel so difficult. Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron develop something called self-expansion theory. The basic idea is that through close relationships, we begin incorporating parts of another person into our own sense of self, such as their perspectives, their experiences, the things they introduce us to, maybe even the version of ourselves that comes alive when we're around them. And that made me think about something. Maybe that's the part of why losing someone can sometimes feel like we're truly losing part of ourselves in the process, too. But here's the question I've been really wrestling with. If someone helped expand who you are, do they have to remain in your life forever for that relationship to have been meaningful? Personally, I don't think they do. And maybe one of the hardest things to accept about relationships is that significance and permanence aren't necessarily the same thing. Someone can change your life and still not be meant to occupy the role you originally imagined for them. So when it comes to important relationships in your life, um the most important people are most likely going to be your family. And I've had tough conversations with family members before, but there was one that I had recently that really just moved me in a way that I haven't felt with any other members of my family. And I love my family equally, so that's no disrespect, regardless of where I stand with certain family members. But I expressed something to a family member out of just, you know, growth and compatibility side of things with the relationship. It took a lot to open up and muster the courage to even say anything because I was sitting on my feelings for a long time, and you would think that as a podcast host, I'd be a lot better at communicating, but I'm human being. I'm a I'm a I'm a human being just like everybody else. But what that showed for me personally is that you have to express how you feel and live with the results of that because life is short and it's better to just put it out there in the open so resolutions can come about. And when you express certain things, you have to take into account someone else's thoughts and feelings as well. It was a situation where I expressed about potentially wanting to choose something for myself, and as a result, it would sacrifice everything that um has been being worked towards and all that. And still experiencing the not so good side of that, you know, as far as the not talking, having moments where I break down and and get emotional and shed some tears about it. But it's life. And, you know, having those difficult conversations and having those tough moments that you'd rather not not face are a part of life, and it also shows your character and who you are as well. And I think that's where another misconception about love starts showing up. We sometimes treat love and independence like they're opposites, as if loving someone means constantly prioritizing their relationship over yourself. And we've all been there before. But research on self-determination theory suggests that healthy relationships don't eliminate our need for autonomy. We still need to feel like we're actively choosing our lives. And that doesn't mean relationships shouldn't require sacrifice, because of course they should. If your philosophy is always, I'm going to do whatever is best for me, regardless of how it looks or feels for everyone else, you're probably going to have a difficult time maintaining meaningful relationships. But there's another extreme. Constantly suppressing what you need because you're afraid that pursuing it might disappoint someone you love. And maybe mature love exists somewhere between those two things. I can consider how my decisions affect you without believing that I'm responsible for protecting you from every uncomfortable feeling my decisions might create. Because sometimes growth changes relationships. And that doesn't necessarily mean anybody did something wrong. So when it comes to the relationships with the friendships in our lives, in our lives, we either, you know, whether you have a handful of best friends or a large group, whatever floats your boat, right? You generally care and love one another. If not, you wouldn't be friends in the first place. And when your friends go through certain situations in life, it's like sometimes you want to shake them and be like, you can't do better than this. What are you doing? And you want to step in and intervene because you can see what's better. A lot of other people close to the situation can see what the best outcome would be. But at the end of the day, guys know I love my cliches for those that have been watching for some time. It's that person's uh decision to make. And if you step in, you can overstep that person's boundaries and as a result create a distance between you and the friendship that's at hand. So, as difficult as it may be, the best you can do is love and support and encourage. And if it's someone that, like, let's say, hey, they aren't really the best at opening up about you know what exactly is at hand. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be supportive and lend that ear just to listen, to establish that comfort of, hey, whatever you got going on, I'm here for you. Tell me, I won't pass judgment. And I think that's something to not overlook because again, our natural reaction is we care. We want to step in and save someone that we really, really care about because of what they're going through, regardless of what the situation is. But the best thing you can do is truly just be supportive and let them make the decision whether you agree with it or not. It's probably one of the hardest forms of love. Because sometimes loving somebody means telling them the truth. But loving them also means accepting something that's much harder. You don't get to make their decision for them. You can advise, you can lend an ear to listen, you can express concern, you can tell somebody, I think you deserve better. But ultimately, it's their life. And sometimes being there for someone means resisting the urge to control an outcome simply because we believe we know what's best. And all this brings me back to something else I've been questioning. Why do we automatically uh associate longevity with successful relationships? If two people get married and stay together for 50 years, we call that successful. But if two people deeply connect, learn from each other, grow because of each other, and eventually separate, we often call that relationship a failure. There's actually research showing that people can report meaningful personal growth following romantic breakups. Sometimes it's it's the opposite, too, can't lie. That obviously doesn't mean every breakup is good, and it doesn't mean heartbreak doesn't hurt, but it does suggest something important. The end of a relationship and the value of that relationship aren't necessarily opposites. Maybe somebody teaches you how deeply you're capable of loving. Maybe they expose something within yourself that you need to work on. Maybe they clarify what you actually need from a future partner. Maybe they simply walk alongside you during a chapter when you needed each other. So if a relationship changed you for the better but didn't last forever, was it unsuccessful? I'm not sure it was. And maybe that's ultimately where I'm landing with all of this. On one side of the fence, we're told if you really love somebody, you never give up on them. And on the other, always choose yourself, protect your peace, walk away from anything that doesn't serve you. I don't think either philosophy completely works. Relationships require sacrifice, patience, forgiveness, compromise, and sometimes putting another person's needs ahead of your own. But love shouldn't require completely abandoning who you're becoming either. Sometimes love means staying, sometimes it means fighting harder, sometimes it means having that uncomfortable conversation, sometimes it means establishing a boundary. Sometimes it means giving somebody the freedom to make a decision you completely disagree with. And sometimes it even means letting go. Maybe maturity in relationships isn't learning how to hold on to everyone we love. Maybe it's developing the wisdom to understand what love requires from us in different situations. And your boy is still trying to figure that out. But maybe that's the question worth asking, though. When does fighting for someone become holding on to something we're supposed to release? And when does choosing ourselves become giving up too quickly? I don't think there's one answer. And like most things in life, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle of the fence. Thank you guys for tuning in to this episode. And as always, no matter which side of the fence you grew up on, we're all more alike than we think. My name is Andre Spruel. Catch you guys next time.

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Oh hey, you stuck it out to the end. Thanks for tuning in to this episode. And if you like this episode, please be sure that you're following us on your favorite podcast streaming platform. And if you haven't already, please give us a five-star rating so we can continue growing this middle of the fence family. And be sure to check us out on YouTube at Andre Spruel and under the playlists podcast. You'll be able to see the full length episode over there. And check out some of the clips and follow us on Instagram at middle of the fence. And for all things related to this podcast, check out www.middle of the fence.com. Thanks again. And as always, no matter what side of the fence you grew up on, we're all more alike than we think.