0:00

What it do, what did it do? It's your boy Andrew Spruel and you're tapped into Middle of the Fence podcast. Now, today's episode is one that I think a lot of people will deeply relate to. Especially if you've ever felt misunderstood, emotionally divided, or like you became a different version of yourself depending on the environment you were in. Because whether people realize it or not, the environments we grew up in shape almost every relationship in our lives. They shape how we communicate, how we trust, how we express emotion, how we handle conflict, how we define success, and even how safe we feel being vulnerable around other people. In this episode, we're discussing how environment shapes relationships across friendships, family, dating, networking, mentorship, and community. Let's get into it. What it do, what it do? It's your boy Andre Spruel, and you are tuning in to Middle of the Fence Podcast. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day. Whether you're listening, watching, or both, as I like to say, time is the most valuable thing on this earth because we can spend it, but can't make it back. So as always, thank you for your time. Let's talk about something that a lot of people experience but don't always know how to explain. The feeling of never being fully accepted. Not fully accepted here, not fully accepted there. Always feeling like you have to adjust yourself depending on the room that you're in. And honestly, I think this affects way more people than we realize, right? Especially people who grew up between two different environments, different cultures, different expectations, different social groups, because eventually you become good at uh adapting. But adapting and belonging are not always the same thing. Because, see, some people become socially fluent, aka your boy. They know how to act in different rooms, they know how to communicate with different types of people, they know how to switch certain parts of themselves on and off depending on the environment, which the term code switching at nauseum has been used. But after doing that long enough, you sometimes start wondering which version of me is actually me? So navigating different environments based off the expectations set by factors like language and slang and social expectations, that was the biggest thing uh growing up and wanting to feel accepted with the different environments that I constantly found myself in. Because in one environment, I'm speaking African-American vernacular English, and then in another environment, I feel like I'm suppressing that because I didn't want to come off a certain way. And that's that's what becomes part of it, you know, because again, with the socioeconomic differences of both of the both worlds that I had to navigate, you know, that's that's something that most people just have to navigate like in general, you know, especially in today's day and age where things are at, like across the world, not just the US. But the cultural aspect of it was definitely the bigger hurdle, you know, to feel accepted, you know, because when something like race is present, you know, different ethnic background and just way of way of being, and you know, especially in a state like New Jersey growing up where you just it's a it's a real melting pot, you know. So that definitely was the biggest factor uh to navigate. And I think this is one of the biggest reasons why some people never feel like they fully belong, because they spend so much time adjusting themselves for the different environments that they find themselves in, that eventually they stop feeling fully seen anywhere. They feel too much for one group, not enough for another, too urban in one room, too polished in another, too emotional here, too reserved there, and you get my point. And that constant and and that becomes exhausting, you know. So if you feel that way, please be sure to leave a comment. And there's actually research behind this too. Psychologists have talked for years about how human beings have had a deep need for a belonging and social acceptance, not just socially, but emotionally and psychologically too. Because as humans, we naturally want to feel understood, right? We naturally want to feel safe enough to fully be ourselves. But when you constantly feel like you need to put on a show to feel accepted, it starts affecting your identity. And I think social media has made things even more complicated, like most matters, because now people are constantly comparing things like their personalities, success, looks, lifestyles, opinions, social circles. So instead of asking, who am I really? people start asking what version of myself gets accepted the most. So here, hiding certain interests depending on the environment that I was in, that was the biggest thing that I had to learn, or you know, that I was just doing naturally, right? So, for example, if I was in a predominantly tough terrain type of environment, I would suppress the fact that I was into classic rock music or you know, into activities that wouldn't be as accepted, let's say. And that's not anything to really suppress about because again, like what you're interested in and you know what makes you feel feel good is your prerogative. But when you're a kid or a teenager growing up, the biggest thing is that you're just trying to fit in. And if you say something that the crowd is not into or anything like that, you get ostracized generally, you know, and same goes for growing up on the affluent acre side of things, you know. I feel like the biggest thing that I did was if it's anything that was related to my black culture, I would suppress it because I feel like I wouldn't have been as accepted. And looking back, that wouldn't have been the case, but that's what my young adolescent brain was thinking. And the one thing that I think about is if I slept over, you know, a classmate's house that's unfamiliar with the with an urban background or just interacting with uh black people, you know, I'm gonna be frank. I purposely wouldn't wear my wave cap or do rag, you know, because I felt like, oh my gosh, like if I wore that to sleep over at a friend's house and the friend saw me or the parents saw me, then they would start to jump to conclusions and make judgments about me. But again, looking back, it wouldn't have mattered, but that's what my young adolescent brain was thinking at the time. And I think another important part of this conversation is code switching. I know we're tired of that term, but I mean I don't mean just language, I mean changing your humor, changing how you speak, changing your energy, changing what interests you show, changing how vulnerable you allow yourself to be, depending on the room that you're in. And look, some level of adaptation is normal. That's understood. Everybody does it to a certain degree, but when you do it constantly, over and over and over and over again, you can start to feel emotionally disconnected from yourself as a result. Because eventually you stop asking, what do I actually feel? and start asking what version of me works best here. And honestly, I think this is one of the hidden struggles of growing up between two different worlds and however that looked like for you personally because being able to fit in everywhere does not automatically mean you feel like you belong anywhere. That was bars. Holy shit. Growing up between two different worlds, for me personally, the you know, I always wanted to be relatable to everybody, regardless of how they grew up. Like if I found an aspect of their story that I could latch on to to be relatable, that was my MO. But as I've experienced life more and continue to do so, I realized that being misunderstood with certain things is actually more of a superpower, you know? And not being so misunderstood to the point where uh you're not like, you know, people don't want to come up to you or anything like that, but more so from this, from the sense of really delving into your authenticity. And that's a word that gets used a lot, you know, but um I just I just feel like, you know, that with the authenticity uh portion, you know, once you really become once you have a sh real true understanding of who you are and how you operate and how you want to show up in this world, you attract the people in your life that are meant to be there, the opportunities that present themselves. And you become more comfortable with being misunderstood. And no matter how relatable you try to be to the people, we all have experienced life through a different lens, and we always got to be mindful of that. And the truth is, you are never going to be fully accepted by everybody. That's impossible. Some people will misunderstand you no matter how authentic you are, and some people will only understand certain versions of you, right? And so people will become uncomfortable the moment you stop performing to feel approved. But maturity is realizing you cannot build your identity around being accepted by every room. At some point, you have to become comfortable being fully yourself, regardless of how that looks. Even if it means certain people no longer relate to you the same way they once did, because constantly shrinking yourself for acceptance eventually becomes emotional exhaustion. And the question that I pose for my audience for this episode today is have you ever felt like you had to change parts of yourself depending on who you were around? Again, have you ever felt like you had to change parts of yourself depending on who you were around? Let me know in the comments. Shoot us a message at middle of the fence on Instagram, or just take some time to reflect on it. Thank you guys for tuning in to this episode. And if you're related to this episode, please be sure to show us some love, like, comment, subscribe, follow, however, you're tuning in to us on middle of the fence. And as always, no matter what side of the fence you grew up on, we're all more alike than we think. My name is Andre Spruell. Catch you guys next time.